I'm THAT Mom

When you choose to parent differently than the majority of people nearby, you can't help but notice the raised eyebrows. And over the years, I've seen and heard a lot more than that. I've been called "overprotective," "too involved," and even the infamous "helicopter parent." I'd love to tell you that when these slams came my way, they just rolled off my back. They didn't. They stung. They made me question myself. They made me wonder if maybe they were right. But it didn't deflect my course. I was going to be THAT mom. It was inevitable. It was as if it were in my DNA. Often, I didn't have the reasoning or the research to back it up. But I had a gut feeling... and that gut feeling was that I was going to love my kids as if that was the only day I'd have with them. I was going to fill their lives with fun and adventure and opportunities - because  you really really don't know how long you have. We've all seen young lives cut short. And it's even sadder to me that many of them were waiting for their life to start at age 18.  It may be a bit morbid, but I kept thinking, if that were my child, would I be happy with how they spent their short life?

So, yes. I am THAT mom.

I am THAT mom whose family bed concept did not end at any particular age.  Each child slept differently and some stayed with us longer than others.  The Open Sign hung on the door long past when they needed it. Although, when they were teens, if they got sick, they'd often crawl into our bed. Since they were no longer "little kid sized," Ron would often roll out the other side and head to the guest room or a nearby couch.  Because when you're sick, who doesn't wish their mommy would take care of them?

I am THAT mom who takes the kids to the store in the middle of the night to get snacks that we don't have on hand...knowing fully well that these pre-teens just want to be out late and see who else is out late.

I am THAT mom who when there weren't enough adult volunteers, stepped up to lead Girl Scout troops to make sure my daughters had that experience.

I am THAT mom who cringed when parents talked about how happy they were that their kids were going back to school in August (with their child standing right beside them!), or when parents would say, "I'm not your friend, I'm your mom!" I understand what they're aiming for, but I think it completely misses the point. For me, "friend" and "mom" are not mutually exclusive.

I am THAT mom who at one point in time said yes to: 1 Red-eared slider, 2 parakeets, 2 cockatiels, 2 dogs, 3 cats, a guinea pig, 3 pygmy goats, 3 horses, and a donkey.  Loving our pets was a great gateway to learning about following our passions.

I am THAT mom who, when my family started to be interested in horses, worked at a ranch, took riding lessons, I said, "Sure, let's buy that 16 acre ranch outside of town on our (what we thought was) our final move!"

And then, when the interests faded and the situation wasn't best for my teenagers to be stuck outside of a small redneck Texas town, I watched months of HGTV, "staged" the house, sold it in 3 weeks, packed up the family and moved to Austin. Yes, I am THAT mom.

I am THAT mom who, when my son was wishing he had a brother (he had only 2 sisters),  agreed to host a Japanese exchange student... and our lives were forever changed.

I am THAT mom, who later, let her 16 year old son go to Japan for 3 months, because he had an interest in other cultures and travel.

I am THAT mom who served raspberries and cream puffs for one daughter's birthday breakfast in bed, homemade chocolate pie for my son who prefers it over cake, and IHOP breakfast for my other daughter. And I'm no stranger to throwing wild elaborate birthday parties either!

I am THAT mom who, when we didn't have support groups that met our needs, I grabbed a few friends and we simply started one up: Homeschoolers Unlimited, The Chart & Compass, Alaska Homeschool Network, and the National Home Education Network.

I am THAT mom who, when my daughter wanted to act out scenes from a show, I watched her do it over and over and OVER! I even pulled out the video camera and followed her around or set up the tripod so she could film it herself.  And then when that progressed to community theatre, I am THAT mom that sat in the seats for every rehearsal and show, sometimes volunteering to do whatever job needed doing (stage crew, costume cutter, light person, Tinkerbell sparkle light).

I am THAT mom who let my kids find their own way with make-up, clothing and piercings. They are so much more confident about who they are and how they want to portray themselves to the world, because they have had the time and the space to figure that out.

I am THAT mom who let my kids set their own sleep schedules. Sometimes they'd be up all night, and sleep all day. Often, I would crash before they would. But it all worked out. Yes, they were able to set their alarms and get up for the early shift at work.

I am THAT mom, who when my daughter and her friends wanted to go to a Rave and I thought they were a little too young, I took them myself. I walked with them to the front area, paid for them to get in and then picked them up when they called.  They enjoyed it, but had no desire to go again.

I am THAT mom, who when my 17 year old became engaged to her 19 year old boyfriend, I trusted her like I always have.  (Yes, I encouraged a long engagement - they're 18 & 20 now...the wedding will be when they're 19 & 21). But it's ALL about trust...little decisions and big decisions.

I am THAT mom, who let my daughter's boyfriend (now fiancé) move in to our house so they could save money for their future.

I am THAT mom who had my kids' Facebook & Myspace passwords, and spoke regularly with my kids about what I saw.  I didn't prevent them from writing or posting or even being friends with some "questionable characters," but instead discussed and suggested but mainly listened without judgement. By not TELLING them how things were going to be done, they often came around to the idea on their own. My Hands On Approach to Parenting applied when they were young, but also when they were teens.

I am THAT mom who spent years combing newspapers, surfing the internet, and picking people's brains to find out what cool activity might interest one or more of my kids. I was on a mission to find interesting places to explore and fascinating experiences for them to have in every place we lived. Some were flops, some hit the mark, lots fell in between. But every place offered adventures we simply had to uncover, and one thing really DOES lead to another.

I am THAT mom, who when my daughter told me she thought she was not smart enough to go to high school, after 15 years of unschooling, I asked her if she wanted to go. I told her that maybe she should go see, because I KNEW she was smart enough. But I knew it was way more important that SHE know. We mulled over the possibilities, and she did go. For a year and half. And that was all she needed.

I am THAT mom, who drove wherever we needed to go to meet fun people and/or have great experiences. We traveled up and down the state of California for HSC campouts or conferences. We trekked across Alaska to speak with people at homeschool events - we drove through mountain ranges and slept on ferries. From Texas, we ventured to Live and Learn conferences in St. Louis, Albuquerque, and North Carolina. We drove weekly to Dallas to be part of a homeschool film crew at the PBS station. We visited friends all over the country. And whenever we moved (and we did that lot with the military), we took the long scenic routes. There was always something interesting to check out along the way. And, yes, we put a lot of miles on our cars!

These are just a few of things that come to mind. And some of you might STILL be raising your eyebrows about some of these decisions. I'm sharing them anyway, because parenting decisions can sometimes look complicated and scary. Sometimes they are. But when you have a basic philosophy about what you're doing, it's more of a natural (less complicated) way of living with your children. It's about developing a relationship of trust and love, more than anything else.

I think most importantly, I am THAT mom that "held the container" - what my dad used to call the Sanctuary. I made sure that my kids had a place to grow and explore and try whatever they wanted to try. I did protect them a great deal because the world DOES want children to play small. Society is not crazy about children who "don't know their place" or are "too big for their britches." Kids in school often had to shape their interests, and actually their personalities, so that they either could gain the attention of others or keep out of the limelight. SOO much energy is often put into that struggle. I wanted my kids' energy to be used somewhere else. I wanted them to feel free to be as creative as they wanted as they set out on their own adventure of self-discovery. I simply wanted them to unfold more naturally - without unnecessary peer pressure or authoritarian squashing.

So, yeah. I guess that makes me THAT mom. I'm okay with it. And my kids are doing okay too.


*A couple years ago, an entire thread of "I'm THAT Mom"s bubbled up in cyberspace, starting with Flo Gascon. :) Here's a link to a bunch of them!

Life, Dreams, Passion

Following a Passion

When we lived in Alaska, a small horse stable was located on the outskirts of the Air Force base. We'd have to pass it everyday, as we drove in toward the neighborhoods. Alyssa was mesmerized. She and Ron would identify which horses were out in the pasture. As winter approached, the horses spent a little more time in the barns. So when Ron dropped Michael off at Tiger Cubs, he and Alyssa would go to the stables and talk to the horses for that hour. Sometimes they'd talk to the owners, sometimes they'd bring carrots or apples or sugar cubes.

Alyssa was shy around people, but not around horses. She'd walk her tiny self - she was all of about 4 years old - up to the stalls, and pet those enormous horses. Ron would hold her up and she'd rub their faces, speaking softly to them. They'd talk about different horse breeds and how they looked and acted. Soon the owners came to know them, and they'd share stories about their horses.  We thought about how nice it would be someday, to own our own horse farm.

So when the Air Force took us to California after Alaska, we knew we needed to find a horse farm. We couldn't buy one, but we sure could hang out at someone else's! We wanted to find riding lessons for all of the kids; Ron decided he wanted to learn too. He found ManMar Ranch near our home. ManMar was interesting because it was a breeding ranch for the UC Veterinary school. We found a riding instructor named Miss Shirley.  She was from England and wanted everyone to learn English instead of Western. Being a HUGE John Wayne fan family, that did not sit well. Miss Shirley explained that it was a better way to learn. Less leather between you and your horse, means you will be able to read each other better.  So that's what we did. And we decide to learn something, we immerse ourselves. Ron and the kids would offer to help the ranch owner, Liz, with whatever she needed. She had stable hands, but they had a lot to do. Soon, my kids were moving horses from one field to another, bringing them into their stalls for the night, helping with feeding, chatting with owners. When one of the mares was about to have a foal, Liz called us to come up and watch. A miracle in the barn - without a doubt!

The UC Vets let the kids look through microscopes, talked with them about injuries, and explained artificial insemination. They all learned about the dangers of getting too close to the hormone-raging stallions, as well as the mares who were used solely for breeding. They were referred to as the Crazy Mares. I guess you would be too if you were pregnant most of your life! This happens in the horse racing world. Expensive race horses cannot run the risk of a problem pregnacy. So the Crazy Mares do all the work, so to speak.
Liz had shared her horses with us. First it was Pepper (For Dr. Pepper), then it was Louie. Finally she wanted us to try to ride Gilley. He was a Standard bred bay colored horse who had not done well on the track. He was fast, but he was easily spooked at the gate. While that's no good for a race horse, it's not that bad for a family horse. Ron and Michael spent many days there helping them build a covered riding arena, learning how to break in horses - all to barter with Liz, work for boarding costs for Gilley.  Liz loved her horses. So when Alyssa clearly loved them too, they were connected. She even hosted a birthday party for Alyssa out at the ranch, letting all of her friends climb onto different horses and go for a ride.

Katie's interest in horses faded. But Michael, Alyssa and Ron continued their horse love affair. So when the Air Force was ready to move us back to Texas, we decided we had to have a ranch! Boarding costs alone made it sound like a good idea. But really, it was clear that we were bringing more animal interests into our lives. We already had a parakeet, a turtle, a dog, a cat, a guinea pig and some tadpoles that would never morph into frogs (I'll save that story for another post!) So we bought 16 acres on a hill northwest of Wichita Falls, in a community that was just a dot on map: Thornberry. Before long, we acquired 2 more horses, Dolly and Cimarron.


 But we also acquired chickens, ducks, guineas, guinea pigs, goats, cows, a donkey, a bull, cockatiels, parakeets, feral cats and guard dogs.  We built a chicken coop and raised chicks. We learned how the light affects the egg production and how to keep chickens safe from coyotes and bull snakes. We wrote stories about the animals and the various adventures and mysteries that happened on the ranch. The kids bought a breeding pair of cockatiels and started a cockatiel business. They trained the birds so they could be handled and hand-fed and sold the babies to other families. They helped with the birthing of calves, trimmed hooves on goats, and even buried a much loved cat that we had brought with us from Alaska. They bottle-fed kittens that had been abandoned in a neighbor's barn. They learned how soft a donkey's nose is and how stubborn a bull can be. They entered their dogs in 4H competitions, even winning some of them! They learned about horse tack and temperaments. We bought materials to build stalls and run fencing.  The kids shared their information with other "city kids" who had no idea we had only just left the 'burbs ourselves.  We met other horse owners in the ranches nearby. Alyssa even delivered Girl Scout cookies by horseback!  Our kids knew what was safe and what was important on the ranch.

We stayed on our ranch in Thornberry for 5 years. We learned so much there! But the reason I'm sharing this here is because, for us, this was what following our passions looked like.  Ron noticed Alyssa was interested in horses in Alaska and found a way for her to see one up close. Connecting all the dots is something you can see clearly when it's retrospective; but while you're living it, you simply have to step toward the interest and see where you go.  These steps led to a 10 year adventure with animals - for the whole family!

Alyssa was a late reader and didn't retain many math concepts. But she could spot a Thoroughbred and tell you all the difference between a Buckskin and a Palomino. She knew her tack and her horses. It really made me smile to look out the kitchen window and see her pull her horse, Dolly, over toward the hot tub or the fence gate. She'd climb up so she'd be tall enough to hop onto the bare back of the horse. Then she'd ride laps around the house, down the driveway, and around the fence lines. It gave her a confidence that would see her through many of the obstacles she'd face later in life. Our "pets" taught all of them that animals need their human to do a lot of hard work - every day. If it was cold and windy, they still had to be fed. If it was raining, someone still needed to close up the chicken coop door.

But they learned even bigger lessons. They learned that if you love something, it's within your grasp... even if you have to shift some priorities to get it. People might look at you funny saying, "You're going to do what?" But anything is attainable if you walk through the steps to get there.  That is so much more important than long division or reading by 8.

In spite of - or more likely *because of* - this nontraditional approach toward learning, my kids did learn to read and to write.  
     Michael (almost 23) got a degree in Journalism and is a Peace Corps Volunteer. 
     Katie (21) is studying at a film acting conservatory in New York city. 
     Alyssa is completing her cosmetology program, ready to start her career at 18.