I'm THAT Mom

When you choose to parent differently than the majority of people nearby, you can't help but notice the raised eyebrows. And over the years, I've seen and heard a lot more than that. I've been called "overprotective," "too involved," and even the infamous "helicopter parent." I'd love to tell you that when these slams came my way, they just rolled off my back. They didn't. They stung. They made me question myself. They made me wonder if maybe they were right. But it didn't deflect my course. I was going to be THAT mom. It was inevitable. It was as if it were in my DNA. Often, I didn't have the reasoning or the research to back it up. But I had a gut feeling... and that gut feeling was that I was going to love my kids as if that was the only day I'd have with them. I was going to fill their lives with fun and adventure and opportunities - because  you really really don't know how long you have. We've all seen young lives cut short. And it's even sadder to me that many of them were waiting for their life to start at age 18.  It may be a bit morbid, but I kept thinking, if that were my child, would I be happy with how they spent their short life?

So, yes. I am THAT mom.

I am THAT mom whose family bed concept did not end at any particular age.  Each child slept differently and some stayed with us longer than others.  The Open Sign hung on the door long past when they needed it. Although, when they were teens, if they got sick, they'd often crawl into our bed. Since they were no longer "little kid sized," Ron would often roll out the other side and head to the guest room or a nearby couch.  Because when you're sick, who doesn't wish their mommy would take care of them?

I am THAT mom who takes the kids to the store in the middle of the night to get snacks that we don't have on hand...knowing fully well that these pre-teens just want to be out late and see who else is out late.

I am THAT mom who when there weren't enough adult volunteers, stepped up to lead Girl Scout troops to make sure my daughters had that experience.

I am THAT mom who cringed when parents talked about how happy they were that their kids were going back to school in August (with their child standing right beside them!), or when parents would say, "I'm not your friend, I'm your mom!" I understand what they're aiming for, but I think it completely misses the point. For me, "friend" and "mom" are not mutually exclusive.

I am THAT mom who at one point in time said yes to: 1 Red-eared slider, 2 parakeets, 2 cockatiels, 2 dogs, 3 cats, a guinea pig, 3 pygmy goats, 3 horses, and a donkey.  Loving our pets was a great gateway to learning about following our passions.

I am THAT mom who, when my family started to be interested in horses, worked at a ranch, took riding lessons, I said, "Sure, let's buy that 16 acre ranch outside of town on our (what we thought was) our final move!"

And then, when the interests faded and the situation wasn't best for my teenagers to be stuck outside of a small redneck Texas town, I watched months of HGTV, "staged" the house, sold it in 3 weeks, packed up the family and moved to Austin. Yes, I am THAT mom.

I am THAT mom who, when my son was wishing he had a brother (he had only 2 sisters),  agreed to host a Japanese exchange student... and our lives were forever changed.

I am THAT mom, who later, let her 16 year old son go to Japan for 3 months, because he had an interest in other cultures and travel.

I am THAT mom who served raspberries and cream puffs for one daughter's birthday breakfast in bed, homemade chocolate pie for my son who prefers it over cake, and IHOP breakfast for my other daughter. And I'm no stranger to throwing wild elaborate birthday parties either!

I am THAT mom who, when we didn't have support groups that met our needs, I grabbed a few friends and we simply started one up: Homeschoolers Unlimited, The Chart & Compass, Alaska Homeschool Network, and the National Home Education Network.

I am THAT mom who, when my daughter wanted to act out scenes from a show, I watched her do it over and over and OVER! I even pulled out the video camera and followed her around or set up the tripod so she could film it herself.  And then when that progressed to community theatre, I am THAT mom that sat in the seats for every rehearsal and show, sometimes volunteering to do whatever job needed doing (stage crew, costume cutter, light person, Tinkerbell sparkle light).

I am THAT mom who let my kids find their own way with make-up, clothing and piercings. They are so much more confident about who they are and how they want to portray themselves to the world, because they have had the time and the space to figure that out.

I am THAT mom who let my kids set their own sleep schedules. Sometimes they'd be up all night, and sleep all day. Often, I would crash before they would. But it all worked out. Yes, they were able to set their alarms and get up for the early shift at work.

I am THAT mom, who when my daughter and her friends wanted to go to a Rave and I thought they were a little too young, I took them myself. I walked with them to the front area, paid for them to get in and then picked them up when they called.  They enjoyed it, but had no desire to go again.

I am THAT mom, who when my 17 year old became engaged to her 19 year old boyfriend, I trusted her like I always have.  (Yes, I encouraged a long engagement - they're 18 & 20 now...the wedding will be when they're 19 & 21). But it's ALL about trust...little decisions and big decisions.

I am THAT mom, who let my daughter's boyfriend (now fiancé) move in to our house so they could save money for their future.

I am THAT mom who had my kids' Facebook & Myspace passwords, and spoke regularly with my kids about what I saw.  I didn't prevent them from writing or posting or even being friends with some "questionable characters," but instead discussed and suggested but mainly listened without judgement. By not TELLING them how things were going to be done, they often came around to the idea on their own. My Hands On Approach to Parenting applied when they were young, but also when they were teens.

I am THAT mom who spent years combing newspapers, surfing the internet, and picking people's brains to find out what cool activity might interest one or more of my kids. I was on a mission to find interesting places to explore and fascinating experiences for them to have in every place we lived. Some were flops, some hit the mark, lots fell in between. But every place offered adventures we simply had to uncover, and one thing really DOES lead to another.

I am THAT mom, who when my daughter told me she thought she was not smart enough to go to high school, after 15 years of unschooling, I asked her if she wanted to go. I told her that maybe she should go see, because I KNEW she was smart enough. But I knew it was way more important that SHE know. We mulled over the possibilities, and she did go. For a year and half. And that was all she needed.

I am THAT mom, who drove wherever we needed to go to meet fun people and/or have great experiences. We traveled up and down the state of California for HSC campouts or conferences. We trekked across Alaska to speak with people at homeschool events - we drove through mountain ranges and slept on ferries. From Texas, we ventured to Live and Learn conferences in St. Louis, Albuquerque, and North Carolina. We drove weekly to Dallas to be part of a homeschool film crew at the PBS station. We visited friends all over the country. And whenever we moved (and we did that lot with the military), we took the long scenic routes. There was always something interesting to check out along the way. And, yes, we put a lot of miles on our cars!

These are just a few of things that come to mind. And some of you might STILL be raising your eyebrows about some of these decisions. I'm sharing them anyway, because parenting decisions can sometimes look complicated and scary. Sometimes they are. But when you have a basic philosophy about what you're doing, it's more of a natural (less complicated) way of living with your children. It's about developing a relationship of trust and love, more than anything else.

I think most importantly, I am THAT mom that "held the container" - what my dad used to call the Sanctuary. I made sure that my kids had a place to grow and explore and try whatever they wanted to try. I did protect them a great deal because the world DOES want children to play small. Society is not crazy about children who "don't know their place" or are "too big for their britches." Kids in school often had to shape their interests, and actually their personalities, so that they either could gain the attention of others or keep out of the limelight. SOO much energy is often put into that struggle. I wanted my kids' energy to be used somewhere else. I wanted them to feel free to be as creative as they wanted as they set out on their own adventure of self-discovery. I simply wanted them to unfold more naturally - without unnecessary peer pressure or authoritarian squashing.

So, yeah. I guess that makes me THAT mom. I'm okay with it. And my kids are doing okay too.


*A couple years ago, an entire thread of "I'm THAT Mom"s bubbled up in cyberspace, starting with Flo Gascon. :) Here's a link to a bunch of them!

I Love A Party!

I love February and March! It's the time of year when EVERYONE in my family was born!  I used to say, "We stick out the Birthday Flag, and don't take it down till Easter!" and that was the truth!  Here's the deal, I LOVE parties. And I ADORE my kids. So put the two together and WOW! that's going to be fun! And it was. So many other families were content with Chuckie Cheese or a simple Pin The Tail on the Donkey. But not us.  We got creative and had a blast!


We had years where we hired puppet masters or clowns. Once we had an unemployed zoologist bring his "private stock" - hedgehogs and pythons, mini-gators, and tortoises. We built teepees and forts, horseback riding and Secret agent parties. We rented a cabin in the mountains, listened to wolves howl in the valley while we told jokes until our sides ached.  We had tea parties and pinatas, fairies and farms. We had movie themes: Harry Potter, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, Alice in Wonderland (stage and film) and Batman movie marathons. We even had a Pet Party - and invited everyone to BRING their pet to our house! That was wild! Even Alyssa's dentist showed up with her dental assistant - and their turtles. They said, "Who can resist an invitation to party like this? It's a once in a lifetime thing!" 


We held scavengers hunts for 30 teens, and even had a teen party where too many people came. Phones were stolen and the ITouch playing the music was even taken. (Everyone was standing around saying, "What happened to the music?" and then, "Oh noooo!"  We went to Medieval Times, Joe's Crab Shack, and even a Fortune Teller.


As the kids got older, the parties got a little smaller. More family dinners. Less hoopla. It always started with Breakfast in bed - raspberries and cream puffs for Katie, homemade Chocolate Pie for Michael, Alyssa preferred to go out to IHOP! We really went all out and completely based the party on what the child was "into" that year.
I forgot to mention that the FIRST birthday party - Michael's 1 year old birthday - we buried my dad that day. We went to my cousin's house in Kansas afterward. They bought a cake at the bakery and we sat around and watched Michael put his hand into the frosting. I'm the youngest of the cousins, and they seemed to think this is what all babies should do at this age. I didn't really get it, but I was having such a mixed emotional time: MY baby's first birthday…like this? I think everyone felt a little sorry for me.  Michael was totally oblivious.  He DID discover that he LOVED cake! And, hey, there was no where to go but up from there, wouldn't ya say?  We did travel back to Austin and held a real birthday party, where I made a cake and did crazy wild decorating, with friends and family there.  It wouldn't be the last time we'd have multiple parties for one kid!  But sometimes I wonder if that shaped me. Who knows?


Anyway, all of this would be way too much to list out - regardless of how much enjoyment *I* would get out of it!  That would be 59 birthday parties to describe. And even I know that would really be asking too much of my blog readers!  But good memories shouldn't be forgotten. this year, Alyssa turns 18, Katie turns 21, and Michael 23.  Michael will be in Nicaragua. Hopefully SKYPEing like he did at Christmas.  Katie will be in New York City. And while she's somewhat of a homebody, her friends have decided to take her out on the town!  Greaaat. But she'll have fun, and that's really all I care about. Alyssa will probably do something special with her fiancé (I'm still not used to calling him that!) I'm not sure what I'll do this year for mine or for Ron's.  Last year I had a lot of fun all weekend with friends and family. 


But what's a mom to do? Especially a mom who loves to celebrate her kids' birthdays - when her kids are grown and it's just not in the cards anymore?  If you've read any of my recent blogposts, I've been wallowing a lot. I turned 50 this year, my kids moved out, my baby got engaged, I'm menopausal, I turned 50, I burst into tears at a moment's notice. I'm REALLY feeling sorry for myself these days. But I LOVE this Birthday Time. So it is not going to go by without some kind of fanfare. I've been pondering my options.  I DO know that I'm going to make a special gift for each of the kids this time. I had started Birthday Scrapbooks for each of them. But with the onset of digital photographs, and my propensity to start projects and never get back to them, the scrapbooks didn't get done. The kids would excitedly fling them open, hoping I had put more pictures in.  Next year, I'd promise! 


We did video for Ron for Father's Day this year.  I'll upload it here, in case you want to do a little memory lane walk with the Patterson kids and their daddy. So I've been toying with the idea of a Birthday Video for each of them. I'd scan in all the pictures that are floating around from their birthdays.  Find some good music to put in.  (Did you know that Facebook wouldn't let me post Ron's Father's Day video because we used music that didn't belong to us? I actually BOUGHT some of the music off of ITunes, but it just wouldn't take it. So be forewarned, in case yo do this too!) 

The only drawback for the girls' birthdays - their 18th and 21st is that I'd like to include the pictures from THIS year. This looks like the best bet for Michael, because I can't really send him anything. He'd be able to see his video and watch it whenever he wanted.


My Option 2 is something I just ran across today: a website called 

Blurb: Make Your Own Book.

Wouldn't it be cool to have a book of your childhood birthday parties? It doesn't have the craftiness of scrapbooks, but it's faster to do. And I like them a lot.

So I'll let you know what I decide. I guess you'll have to subscribe or follow or whatever you do to find out later what we choose. It's gonna be great, I can tell you that. Because I LOVE to celebrate my babies' birthdays!  

And I love laughing with kids who just got skates!!

If I Knew Then, What I Know NOW...

Parents with children older than mine would look at me when I expressed concerns and say, "Don't worry," or "They'll figure it out." Sometimes they'd tack on, "Just have fun with them." They were so right. And I LOVE that they were!

I worried about gaps. I worried about getting into college, or whatever higher learning they'd want to pursue. I didn't want doors to close on them - I wanted them to have all the choices in the world.    And in spite of my lapses in trust, or my occasional meltdowns about facts, they did have every opportunity they wanted.  After a (mostly) radical way of unschooling our lives, they have been able to pursue whatever they want. 

Michael did go to college and actually graduated Magna Cum Laude. He had never written a term paper or book report, and he ended up with a degree in Journalism. And the real reason he pressed hard to go to college was that he wanted to join the Peace Corps, and they required a bachelor's degree. Now he's teaching English in Nicaragua...with the Peace Corps.  

Katie loved performing. It didn't matter where or what. She loved dance, and singing and acting. What started as singing in the mirror on the bathroom counter, progressed to backyard musicals with friends, 4H performances, community theater, commercials and movies.  She didn't study spelling words or math facts and family members worried. "What if she doesn't make it?" "What if she puts all her eggs in one basket and fails?"  Katie once told me, "I have a plan. I don't want a Plan B. Putting any stock in a Plan B means you have doubts about your Plan A. And I have no room to have any doubts. If I ever need a Plan B, one will surface."  I love that about her. This year, she moved to New York and is studying Acting for Film at a Conservatory in Manhattan.  

Alyssa always loved everything Pop: Make-up, music, fashion, gossip.  While she was once passionate about animals, she shifted to more girly things when she got older. She has always been the kind of person that notices everyone's nuances in a room.  She loves to be around people - ALL the time.  She's very pretty, so people often came to her for advice on hair and make-up. After taking a year internship at a natural make-up store in Austin, she enrolled in a Vidal Sassoon Cosmetology program last summer. She'll graduate from that this Spring, ready to launch her career at 18.

Even though they're happily skipping along their own path now, I still wish I could take all the knowledge and experience I've accumulated, and parent with that. I know. No "Do-Overs" in Life. But we could have avoided some self-induced totally unnecessary stress if I had just trusted a little more, realized how resilient children really are, and kept my own disaster mind and negative "what-if's" from spilling over onto them.

I applaud those moms of babies who are reading and learning about unschooling BEFORE they need to know. So many of their school-induced thoughts about learning can be dealt with before their kids are even school age. To deschool themselves before they're in the thick of it will help so much. I didn't know any homeschooling, let alone unschooling, families the year before we decided to take the plunge. The idea that keeping your kids home to learn and live would actually be good for them - and not just an act of self-indulgence by a mom who couldn't let go - was not on my radar at all. I was a complete suburban soccer mom - although then it was T-ball and Tiger Cubs. I was surrounded by moms who were trying to find the right preschool or mother's day out. I only knew people who encouraged distance from children so they could go back to work or follow their own pursuits or just get a little sleep!  No one talked to me back then about leaning into all these feelings that come with having children - the good and the bad.  Because I'm not going to deny that sometimes I felt cheated out of my own time or my own career path or my own hobbies. Not often, but in weak moments, absolutely!

I'm hear to tell you to just lean into the LOVE.  Look at your babies and toddlers and children and teens. See how they trust you. See how they look to you for support. See how you are their rock. Please notice the math: You will probably live to be about 80. Your kids will need you as their sole support for maybe 20 years of that.  That's only 25% of your life. Most likely you're over 20, so you've already spent the 1st 25%, kids are the next. That leaves 50% of your life to pursue whatever you want!  And regardless of your first 20 years, if you REALLY focus on your children for the next 20, the second half of your life will be full of wonderful relationships with them as well as memories and plans for the future.   It will be so much richer for focusing that one little 25% on them.

So here's my list of LOVE.  Some of it I did well. Some of it, I wish I had done so much better. And if you're still raising little ones, you have such an opportunity to learn from our choices and have an even better experience at this.

 

LOVE who they are now. Don't try to shape them. Just sit with them and listen to their ideas. Share your opinions without squashing theirs.  Stop yourself when you feel like you're making judgements about them. Let them unfold naturally. If you focus on the LOVE you can let go of the FEAR.  

LOVE that you have the entire day to do with as you wish. Create a home that is full of excitement and interesting things to explore - be it books or videos or pinecones or magnets.  Play with them yourself. You'd be surprised how your own ability to play can come back.  It's human nature to play with things. It's just that if you had to go to school, you were told to stop playing and settle down in your seat.  In order to succeed in that setting, you had to learn to curb all your enthusiasm.  It might take some time to entice those feelings back. But they're there. 

LOVE that you live in a time and place where so many opportunities abound. Use your community, and the community next to yours! Find cool places to explore.  Learn with your children. Even if you think, "I'm not that interested in that," it's worth a try to check it out. There might be something there that you DO like. Or it might spark a new passion for your child. Show them that there are all KINDS of interesting adventures just outside your door.  And now, looking them up on the internet makes it so much easier to find. 

LOVE that they can go see and touch and hear things in the real world. Children who are tied to lesson plans or curriculum - whether they're in the school or the home - can only read about these adventures. They have to wait to start their exploring later in their life, or after their "real work" is done when their brains are exhausted or worse.   

LOVE their interests. Even if you're not into video games or horses or Justin Bieber or BMXing, love it anyway. Show them you value their choices.  Ask them questions about it.  Nurture their passion instead of putting timers on to say how long they get to enjoy that.  Take them to get that game they're longing for. Ask them what game could you start on to learn what they love. Take them to horse stables.  Take them with a friend to concert of their choice. Drop by the bike shop with them once a week to see what's the latest. Find a magazine on BMX-ing. 

Before you say, I don't want to put more money toward those choices, check yourself. Why not? It's their passion! Even if it's fleeting. It really will lead to something else - it always does. And they will have had the opportunity of seeing that they can look for passions without someone telling them how to find it or where to find it. Or what's a good passion to have and what's not.  Your LOVE will build their CONFIDENCE. And as an unschooling parent, your job is to create an environment for them to learn and grow. They'll need tools to do that.

AND it will improve your relationship. In the end, that's what matters most: the LOVE between everyone in your family.  When there's a disconnect there, look to see what you're afraid of happening.  Because it' all boils down to two things: Fear or LOVE.  Just practice bringing it back to love.  Because learning their times tables by a certain age really doesn't matter that much at all - their phones have calculators on them for that.

"And in the end...the love you take
         Is Equal to... the Love you Make"     ~Paul McCartney