For Some People, It's Just Natural

I pondered my options for the June Unschooling Blog Carnival submission. I could share a tribute to my dad, something I wrote last Fall called Holding Onto the Side of the Pool.

Or I could share the photo montage that the kids did for Ron last Father's Day. It was really sweet and if you want to take a little visual walk down memory lane with us, I'd love to snag this opportunity to share it again! So here you go:

But I didn't really feel like that was what I wanted to share. Sure, Ron's a good parent - he's involved, he listens to them (sometimes), he has helped, driven, chaperoned. Heck, once he even agreed to be in one of Katie's plays since he was waiting for her during every rehearsal - probably sleeping in the back row of the theatre. But they needed a Mr. Slugworth in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, so he took a deep breath and stepped up onto the stage.

Double Piggy Back Rides

Instead, what I really think is remarkable about him is that he is The Quintessential Unschooler. He just loves to learn. It's what he does. And when he decides to learn something, it's full immersion.  Sometimes the kids' interests or opportunities sparked his interest, or his sometimes sparked something in them.

Ron & Michael

When I was busy reading about unschooling and how to raise children, Ron was simply... living. Playing with the kids. Exploring whatever was around.  I followed him around the house, reading snippets from various books. I even bought him Gatto's Dumbing Us Down and Guterson's Family Matters. He read a little and said, "Yeah, well we all know this about schools. Um, we were there." Then he put down the book. He felt no need to have any battle cry go up about the injustices of institutionalized learning. A simple, "Bring'em home," was what I got after a long list of why I thought it would be a good idea to try homeschooling after Michael finished 1st grade.

I continued to connect on the internet, reading and learning about this new world we were stepping into. But all the while, he was simply connecting with our kids on topics that interested them. It was just the natural thing to do. And once they were home so much more, he had a lot more opportunities. More reading, more game playing - more adventures out in the community and out in the world!

Ron & Katie hiking in North Carolina

Never too young to hike Enchanted Rock!

Typical evening...or anytime

Ron's not the kind of dad who just sits around with the remote control and waits for someone to bring him a beer.  His TV watching is deliberate - the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Sons of Anarchy, and his John Wayne & Clint Eastwood video collection. But even with those, he's Skyping with Michael in Nicaragua to talk about Martin Brodeur's latest goal save, or he's playing the Movie Line Game with Katie or Alyssa as they pass through the room. I'm sure you know it... you pick a line from a movie and say it, then the other person has to guess which movie it was. For a while, we had quite an extensive movie watching period, so they could come from anywhere: Monty Python, Three Amigos, Beetlejuice, The Blues Brothers, Jeremiah Johnson.... just to name a few. It used to drive my mother crazy when she'd come to visit. They could spend an entire dinner playing that game! She wanted them to have "meaningful" conversations. I just smiled because I knew the connection that was happening between them was the real goal.

Backyard Hockey with Katie & Michae

When we lived in Alaska, where our homeschooling started, Ron took up hockey. He always enjoyed watching the sport, but he was born and raised in Mesquite, Texas. Not a lot of hockey there. So even though he was 20 years older than most of the guys playing, at 44, he signed up for a little boot camp, and figured it out. He started going to pick-up games, the kids tagging along to watch. Next thing you know, they're all signing up for hockey teams, we're trekking across the state to tournaments,  and even building an ice rink in our back yard!

Dry Ice Experiments turned into Mad Science!

Next stop would be California. Sadly, the ice rinks weren't nearly that important to Californians, so it was time to shift gears. Alyssa and Michael were really interested in horses, so Ron took them to find a stable that offered lessons. He picked the brains of the ranchers and horse owners every chance he got.  The kids were always with him out there, so they watched and listened and learned. He helped Alyssa figure out how to drag feed through the stalls to give to each horse. He bartered for horse leasing, and agreed to help build a giant riding arena. So he and Michael climbed ladders, measured and sawed for weeks until it was finished.  All three learned so much there. 

Michael learning to ride Gilly

Once when they were out riding horses together, they found a little injured barn owl.  He showed 

them how to wrap it up in a towel and get it to the local raptor center. A few weeks later he was taking them out to see it be released back into the wild.

Learning to sail with Katie & Alyssa - Folsom Lake

Ron was always interested in sailing, so while we were still in California, he bought a little Venture 22 sailboat. He and Michael worked and worked on it. All three kids learned to sail at Folsom Lake.  So when the homeschool group in Davis needed chaperones for a sailing charter through the San Francisco Bay, he was the natural choice to step in. Ron, Michael and Katie all sailed on the Gas
 Light, a 50 foot Schooner - what a trip!

Helping Alyssa pet a Bat Ray (Monterey Bay Aquarium)

His interest in history took them to Angel Island for a group overnight trip. His love of science led to a Halloween party full of dry ice experiments.  His fondness for the outdoors took them on mountain hikes, snow cave adventures, camping trips, and beach excursions.

I could list one adventure after another that Ron experienced with each of the kids. But that might take a little longer than a typical blog post. Suffice it to say that Ron did not stand on the sidelines. He was a hands-on, involved dad. Not because someone told him it's good to do that, but simply because it was the natural thing for him to do. The kids were curious - about everything - and so was he. So when opportunities presented themselves, he was right there with them - guiding, listening, and stepping up to "give it a try."

Learning is simply a part of life for him.
For Ron, unschooling the kids was just a natural extension of that.

Just a cute picture of Ron & Michael (1991 Welcome Home)

Should YOU Unschool?

It's hard when you have found something wonderful, and then you come to realize its not going to work for everyone.  


It’s possible that “anyone” can; but many would have to really live outside their comfort zone, learn and adopt completely new communication styles, change their world view, and maybe even spend some time in therapy getting to the root of why they keep making the same mistakes.  Just to name a few.  So, yes, it’s possible that everyone can do this wonderful thing. But are the chances likely?  Slim to none.

I’m talking about unschooling  your child.  So many times people ask questions, trying to identify if they are the kind of parent that can unschool their child and end up with happy independent adult children.

Perhaps we should look at a list. I love lists! What are the characteristics of “good” unschooling parents? And what would be the sign that this style of homeschooling might not work for you?

Unschooling = A Good Fit	Unschooling = NOT a Good Fit
Parents who enjoy being around their children	Parents who really prefer adult contact and look forward to their kids being happily playing …elsewhere.
Parents who look for pieces of their vacations that will inspire and engage their child to learn more about the area or something new	Parents who prefer vacations FROM their children. It’s a good time for them to bond with Grandma!
Parents who work on not having a shocked or judgemental reaction when their kid tells them something shocking that is going on with them.	Parents who really prefer not to have conversations with kids about controversial or difficult subjects.
Parents who want their child to be happy with their decisions about career goals which may or may not include college; and parents who don’t categorize periods of time in their child’s life by the parameters used in schools.	Parents who see college as the only correct decision after “the high school” years
Parents who speak to their children with respect.	Parents who think children need to toughen up so they won’t get their feelings hurt.  Sarcasm and teasing on sore subjects is common.
Parents who enjoy watching their child weigh out the pro’s and con’s of a decision.	Parents who don’t have time for weighing it out and just want to make the decision for the child and move on.
Parents who let their children read books that make them happy.	Parents who create a booklist and want them to finish THIS list, before reading the books that make them happy.
Parents who are more cheerful.	Parents who have a negative outlook/attitude toward life.
Parents who are creative and enjoy adapting ideas to new situations	Parents who get a little panicky if they have to adapt the information they obtained/purchased.
Parents who believe children are good at their core	Parents who believe children are sneaky or trying to get away with something at their core
Parents who trust that their children will learn, just as birds learn to fly and fish to swim.	Parents who struggle with trust and fear that children will take "the easy road and not get around to learning."
Parents who are ok with letting kids play video games all day, because they know it will lead to something.	Parents who cannot stand it when their child TRIES to play videogames all day - what about the learning???
Parents who are ok with a more tangential approach to learning...one thing leads to something which leads to something else...	Parents who prefer to go through their checklists in a more orderly fashion
Parents who see themselves as mentors and role models, allowing their child to “sit with the grown ups.”	Parents who prefer that the kids hang out somewhere else while the adults talk, or they REALLY like the idea of The Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving. ;)
Parents who enjoy and see value in hearing children’s ideas and ways of approaching situations.	Parents who believe children should be seen and not heard, speak only when spoken to.
Parents who want to give their child academic opportunities because it gives them exposure to various learning opportunities and is a way to fuel new interests or strengthen old ones.	Parents who see academic advantages as advantages they want their child to have to beat out the competition.
Parents who want to role model respect	Parents who use an authoritarian approach, and want to be sure their child understands that they must defer to “the authority”
Parents who are comfortable with thinking for themselves	Parents who need a lot of reassurance
Parents who value flexibility and want to learn about life as each day presents itself.	Parents who really like lesson plans, worksheets, and more schoolish things...too much flexibility leads nowhere.

This is my start at a list. I'm sure I'll have more, and then I'll add to it!

I don’t really understand the push to be called an unschooling parent.   It takes a lot of commitment. It takes a lot of trust. And it takes a lot of effort to keep the child's environment engaging and stimulating. If you find that you have more characteristics that fit with the list on right but you still like the unschooling concepts, fear not! Lots of the time, this is simply a trained mentality that you have from growing up in a school setting. It can be undone, or opened up - if that's what you want to do!  Life is really lived in the Present tense, so past traits aren't necessarily the given. And when we recognize past behaviors and want to change them, well, that's the first step.

So good luck with your child as well as your own self-discovery! I hope you have a long happy loving time learning with your children!




**Because I received a little criticism from this post, I've written some more on the topic:
Black and White... or Gray?

What Should They Learn?

I read a blog about "What should children learn?" They were trying to think outside the box. They wondered if the focus on traditional subjects is really all that important. Seeing the responses was interesting. I had an inkling that my list would not resemble too many others, but with 3 teenagers, and 2 grown step-kids with children of their own, here's what I think are the most important things children should learn:

• Kindness and compassion. Learn how to put yourself into other people's shoes.  When everyone else jumps on a bandwagon against something someone did, hold back a little bit.

• Live in the moment. Realize that there are about 16 waking hours in a day. And when they're gone, they're gone. There's nothing wrong with having a little "down time" but make sure you have some "up time too."

• Listen to people when they talk to you.  Give them your full attention.  Think about what they're saying but also why they might be saying it to you.

• Learn healthy eating choices and find exercise that you like and can do nearly every day. You're going to be in this body for a while - longer if you take care of it

• Learn your strengths and your weaknesses. Do something about or with both. Take time to get to know yourself.

• Learn about the nature of advertising and marketing. 

• Learn how to pursue your interests. Learn how to find information on the internet.

• Be brave. Try new things. You never know what you might actually like.

These are what come to mind when I think about what children should be taught.  In school curriculum, I think they call these "threads." They are supposed to permeate different subjects year after year. I like the idea of these topics being the important threads.  I believe the reading, writing, and math will present itself.  And if you need these more traditional "subjects" for a job you'd like to pursue, that's why we have community college.

Who Will Teach My Children to Read

Reminds me of The Little Red Hen....who will help her? She did it herself.

So often people wonder how will a child learn to read if he/she has no teacher to teach them? I can only share how MY children learned to read. Each of them differently...

For Katie, if we were writing a book,  the title would be "K is for Katie and KMart. " She wasn't that chatty in the car (and we seemed to be in the car alot) We read street signs. And store signs. And signs around displays in grocery stores. All signs, really. And, when they were little, they liked to look for signs that started with same letter their name started with. Like K is for Katie and KMart! We modified it into games, thinking of rhyming words that "go with" the word on the sign. Then you have to look around to find it. Later, they'd quiz me too!

Alyssa, as the 3rd child, was easily frustrated that she couldn't do a lot of things the others could do. She was the latest reader at our house. I guess she probably learned to read fluently by 9-10. She would frequently wander away when I read to them in the evenings. In retrospect, something about all that value on reading made her uncomfortable. She knew she couldn't do it. And she knew that other kids her age, in Girl Scouts, or the homeschool group, could read and she couldn't. So, just like with Katie, I tried to sit down with her to do BOB books or Sing-Spell-Read-&-Write books. She had trouble remembering words because her head was so clouded with frustration with herself. The most heartbreaking moment was when she said with tear-filled eyes, "It's because I'm blonde - really blonde. And I'm really dumb - just like they all say in the jokes." Heartbreaking for any mother to hear. Of course I reassured her that that was NOT so, and she'd be able to read whenever she wanted to learn. We talked about how when you're really frustrated with something, you can't hear or think or... anything!

Knowing that she was having this inner struggle, we became incredibly watchful. We never told blonde jokes - but we were VERY vocal about disagreeing with them being said whenever we were around. We weren't in a lot of situations where she'd be asked to read, but when we were, we usually removed her before she even knew what was happening. And so at home, she & I would quietly look at different words and start to decode this reading thing. We started with words that were common for her to say. Then we moved to words that she'd need to read for Girl Scouts or 4H or her animal magazines. No big lesson plans. No "routine". Just real life. And it turned out to be a much calmer less judgemental kind of life. Not that I was judging her, but that she felt judged. Once all that anxiety melted away, she was able to gracefully step over the obstacles.

Now, her reading is primarily online - and her typing skills were incredible! She's a little hesitant to read in front of a group. While that might be a little leftover from being so self-conscious about her reading, I think it's just her personality.

I was on an email list and someone asked how to get their child interested in reading. I think everyone should check out the easy reader section at the library. You might be surprised at what they choose. Mine often chose books that I would have considered a little insulting. But their desire to demonstrate they could "conquer" that book won out... for them. One of my biggest regrets is all the easy reader books I've accumulated over the years. They would read them once and then they were done with it. Since the goal was always "successful reading" because nobody really *enjoys* laboring over a book, we have an enormous number of books collected. The library route would have been MUCH cheaper, taken up WAY less space, and it would have been just as productive.

But the bottom line is find books that interest your child. We had an entire Calvin and Hobbes phase for a while. Don't push books that they're not interested in. It will just make them hate reading and their confidence will drop even further.

Read with them. Find books they love. This will give them a reason to WANT to read!